what would Jesus do?

Do you remember a time before we all had a computer in our pockets?

I deactivated my Facebook profile last week, after using the platform to share photos, memories, and blog posts for almost ten years. The decision was both sudden and a long time coming: all at once, I reached my capacity to tolerate being told from every angle except that of a truly Bible-believing Christian how to be a good follower of Christ (isn’t it crazy how unbelievers always seem to know what Jesus would do best?), and I had been examining for weeks before that point the uncomfortably huge role I was allowing this false social life to play in my actual, real-life existence.

So far, yes, I’ve missed it at times. I wanted to post something in my local Buy Nothing group so I could pass it on to someone else without making the trip to Goodwill, and I couldn’t. I wanted to ask my September 2020 pregnancy due date group how they’re going to handle breastfeeding once their babies turn a year old in just a few weeks, and I couldn’t. I wanted to share with my friends and followers that I’m creating a new resource page and email list for next year’s Bible180 Challenge, and I couldn’t.

But I didn’t quite expect to miss feeling like, I don’t know, a real person. I didn’t expect that without Facebook, I would almost feel like I don’t exist. If I’m not getting notifications, am I even here? If my thoughts aren’t out there in the internet void picking up likes and comments, are they even real?

It speaks to how unbelievably different the world has become in the last couple of decades.

I do remember a time when I didn’t have a computer in my pocket—I even remember a time (very, very dimly) when I didn’t have a computer in my house. I remember the 16+ glorious years before I had a flip phone, before so much of my communication was reduced down to a couple of poorly-punctuated clauses on a pixelated screen, before my relationships were chiefly virtual, before my friends became a tally in an online book of faces.

I remember enthusiastic conversations about horses with other kids at church. I remember potlucks, writing long letters to penpals, and weekend slumber parties. I remember begging my mom and dad to let my cousin stay overnight, and when spending four days showing lambs at the fair was the highlight of my year. There was the column on birdwatching I started in the local newspaper when I was thirteen, 4-H meetings at the primary school where I first dipped my toe into public speaking, and J-Walkers outreach events organized by a fellow Goldendale teenager. I was in plays and musicals at church and in school, I carpooled with drama club friends down to the river in the summer, and even when we didn’t see eye to eye on much of anything political or social or religious, I don’t remember being mad about it.

There was certainly a smallness to my life experience at that time which played into the apparent simplicity and bliss, and some would call that a bad thing, but I’m not so sure it is. Scientific studies have been done to estimate that humans can only maintain a limited number of quality relationships, and far fewer truly intimate ones. It begs the question: were we ever designed or intended to care about as many issues as our pocket computers throw at us every day? To read as many headlines? To know the details about as many international crises? To respond to as many notifications? To have as many “friends”?

I don’t think so.

The keyboard warriors who think they know exactly what Jesus would do in our every social crisis often forget (or maybe don’t know) that Jesus had boundaries. He did not heal every illness or stop every calamity in the world while He was on earth—not even just in His hometown. People still got sick, suffered, died. He wasn’t best friends with every single person He met; He chose twelve, and even of those, He was closest to three. He didn’t hold back the reaches of Roman tyranny, nor did He purge the religious elite of their corruption, even though He could have done both.

Instead, He strictly obeyed and glorified the Father, and was Himself glorified in due time.

Would Jesus wear a mask or overthrow the government or vote for Joe Biden or condemn Black Lives Matter or stay in Afghanistan or ban Donald Trump from Twitter? I don’t know, and I think it’s the wrong question to ask. If we think Jesus took on humanity chiefly to model human perfection for us, we’ve missed the point: Perfection is out of our reach, but God isn’t, because He reached out to us even in our fallenness. He chose to come and dwell among us because it was the only way we’d ever be able to dwell with Him in His kingdom. God sent His Son to earth to be crowned the King over all Creation—His crown a wreath of thorns, His throne a crossbeam on a tree—and to thereby permanently defeat Creation’s enemies, sin and death.

Thankfully, Jesus stayed laser-focused on that mission, even when He was being pulled in a thousand different directions by the crowds. Did He also love people? Yes, always. Did He feed them, care for them, heal their sick and raise their dead? Yes, sometimes. But He didn’t get sidetracked from the eternal goal by the momentary need, nor did He let the court of public opinion sway His course. By the time His ministry was complete and He hung poised to drink the cup of wrath God had poured for Him, no one understood what He was doing except the Triune God.

So it’s rather brazen to think that we know what He would do if He were living on earth in this moment in history, especially considering that His purpose and mission in the world were utterly unique. Yes, we are all called to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind” and “love your neighbor as yourself,” but we are not called to save the world, which is the burden that our frantic headline-screaming, notification-pinging pocket computers would love to make us carry.

My hope is that by letting go of Facebook, I’ll eventually notice that some of the weight has been lifted, and that I actually feel more like a real person again, even if that means feeling finite.

as for me and my house

It’s finally quiet. Clara has been crying for the last hour (and I don’t mean cute whimpering like other babies do—from birth Clara’s only two tones of voice have consisted of “happy as a clam” and “bloody murder mad”)—a mix of pent-up separation anxiety and the exhaustion of learning to say new words and just being alive. She was an absolute delight all day long, smiling and laughing and practicing “Mama” and even venturing into different rooms of the house without me. I guess at bedtime it all caught up to her.

I can relate.

It’s been a beautiful summer so far. I love watching Clara’s fascination with the smallest of things. She loves floating on the lake and visiting Grama and Papa and Auntie Amy and having playdates with Auntie Hannah and barbecues with her little cousins. We go yardsaling on the weekends and spend Saturday evenings with some friends from church, talking about things that matter. It’s so lovely and there’s so much joy.

But somehow it always catches up to me—the sense of dread and not-good-enough, the little nagging negativities of scrolling through social media and reading the news that pile up and up and up, until I hate everything and everyone and myself most of all. It makes me feel lost, far from God somehow, wondering with Ecclesiastical doom what the point of anything is. Church is complicated, politics are confusing, culture is a disaster, and I just want to be a recluse for the rest of my life so I can ignore it all.

Unfortunately for me and my selfish nature, that’s not very Christlike.

But what is Christlike? This question has kept me up at night—knowing that there are believers who consider it most Christlike to live in holy seclusion from the world in the name of testimony; there are believers who consider it most Christlike to be as much like the world as possible in the name of outreach; there are believers who consider it most Christlike to vote red; there are believers who consider it most Christlike to vote blue; and any number of other extremes, plus whatever lies in between.

There is one thing that has been a helpful north star for me in the last few months as I navigate this madness: the reality of the Kingdom.

I first wrote about the Kingdom of Heaven and its gospel months ago now, and I had no idea at the time what a common thread that concept would become in my walk with God. Everything points me back to it. Jesus began His ministry saying “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near”—because He was near, and He is king, crowned by a wreath of thorns on the cross, and resurrected from the dead because nothing in that Kingdom obeys carnal laws. And if Jesus is King, then what He doesn’t need is me to find the solution to the world’s conflicts or to defend Him on social media or to grace Him with my extraordinary talents. He just asks for my allegiance.

al·le·giance /əˈlējəns/ (noun)

loyalty or commitment of a subordinate to a superior or of an individual to a group or cause.

Loyalty and commitment to my Superior and His cause.

It’s the cause that asks me to love my neighbor as I would show love to myself. To not only forgive, but love and pray for the people who are against me—even the people who hate me. To do for others as I would want them to do for me.

Jesus is the King of an upside-down Kingdom, where it’s the poor and the persecuted and the meek and the mourning who are most blessed, and it’s the rich and the revered and the proud who are most to be pitied. Allegiance to this Kingdom takes unlearning of natural, carnal instincts and adopting of a new way to see, hear, think, be.

Why do we despair when politics and culture celebrate the carnal instead of the Kingdom? Of course they do! It is our job, not theirs, to live as citizens of the Kingdom—until they are ready to join us and declare allegiance to the one true King. Ignoring it all isn’t the answer, but neither is despairing over it. We are “longing for a better country—a heavenly one” (Hebrews 11:16 NIV) and we must “live as citizens of heaven, conducting yourselves in a manner worthy of the Good News about Christ” (Philippians 1:27 NLT).

This is not an easy task. Many will certainly fall away under the pressure of the world and its temptations—many will cast aside their allegiance to the Kingdom of Heaven in favor of allegiance to the rulers of the world. But what a gracious God we serve, who doesn’t write off anyone, but desires all to return to trust in Him (Ezekiel 18:23), and gives each and every one of us an open invitation to make that choice!

Now, therefore, fear the LORD and serve Him in sincerity and truth; cast aside the gods your fathers served beyond the Euphrates and in Egypt, and serve the LORD. But if it is unpleasing in your sight to serve the LORD, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living. As for me and my house, we will serve the LORD!

Joshua 24:14-15

the night warriors

Little Miss Clara just turned seven months old, and she is still waking up once a night for a feeding. Sometimes it’s 3am, sometimes it’s 6am, or anywhere in between… but ultimately it means that I have been called out of my sleep and out of my bed every single night for more than half a year.

Since we were dealing with literally hourly wakings in the first few weeks of her life due to all the complications she had with nursing, and since I had three solid months of horrific insomnia after her sleeping and feeding issues finally resolved, getting up once at night for 20 minutes isn’t really that big a deal. I can do it, and I don’t really mind. But every now and then I get a nagging spirit of discontentment and impatience and think, She should be over this by now. She shouldn’t need a night feeding anymore. She’s big and healthy and I want my sleep back.

When she woke up way earlier than usual the other night—2:30am—I was really frustrated, and wondered if I was doing something wrong, or if I needed to sleep train her. But sitting in the rocker in her pitch-dark room, with her warm milky breath on my cheek, I began to pray for her, as I always do. And I remembered: “Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

Without these wee-hours wakings, would I be as faithful to pray?

Daytime comes with diapers and housework and to-do lists, nap routines and mealtimes and chores. It is so easy to cease praying when my mind and hands are constantly busy. But at 4am, when there is nothing to look at, no one to talk to, and nothing that needs urgent doing—when there is only a baby in my arms and the hum of her sound machine in the background—I am reminded to pray, and reminded of the countless spiritual wars that have likely been won in these dark and quiet nights by the prayers of mother-warriors across the generations. It may be that the mightiest power in the cosmos is within easy reach of the empathetic hearts and nurturing hands of praying moms.

My mom is one of the fiercest warriors I know. So was my mother-in-law, Suze—whose loss I feel keenly every day, though I hope God still lets her intercede for us in heaven. I have seen spiritual battle done tirelessly by both of them on behalf of their children, day and night, not for a mere seven months, but for decades.

I can only hope to follow in their footsteps, and if I need to keep getting called out of bed at 4am to build the skills, then so be it.